By Melodie Campbell
I’ve recently been on a book tour for my
latest crime comedy, The Goddaughter’s
Revenge (winner of the 2014 Derringer and 2014 Arthur Ellis Award. There. Got it in. My publisher can relax now.)
Book tours are expensive. You travel around to independent book stores
and you sell some books and sign them.
It’s fun. You meet a lot of great
people. But it’s expensive. And I’m not talking about the hotel bill and
the bar tab.
I should have just stayed in the bar. It was leaving the bar that become expensive.
Nice night.
We decided to go for a walk. It
was dark, but I had on my brand new expensive progressive eye-glasses, so not a
problem, right?
One second I was walking and talking. The next, I was flying through the air.
Someone screamed.
WHOMP.
(That was me, doing a face plant.)
“OHMYGOD! Are you okay?” said my colleague.
I was clearly not okay. In fact, I was splat on the sidewalk and
could not move.
“Fine!” I yelled into the flagstone. “I’m Fine!”
I tried to lift my head. Ouch.
“That must have hurt,” said someone
helpfully.
I write about a mob Goddaughter. So I know
a bit about mob take-outs. It may come
in handy.
A crowd had gathered. Not the sort of crowd that gently lifts you
off the ground. More the sort of crowd
that gawks.
“Couldn’t figure out why you were running
ahead of us.” My colleague shook his head.
I wasn’t running. I was tripping and falling.
“That sidewalk is uneven. Your foot must have caught on it.”
No shit, Sherlock.
By now I had tested various body
parts. Knees were numb. Hands, scraped. Chin, a little sore.
But here’s the thing. I hit in this order: knees, tummy, boobs,
palms. My tummy and boobs cushioned the
fall and saved my face.
Yes,
this was going through my mind as I pushed back with my tender palms to balance
on my bloody knees.
“Ouch!”
I said. No, that’s a lie. I said something else.
I stood up.
Surveyed the damage. My knees were
a bloody mess, but the dress survived without a scratch. It was made in China, of course. Of plastic.
The crowd was dispersing. But the pain wasn’t over.
Next day, I hobbled to the clinic. The doctor, who probably isn’t old enough to
drive a car, shook his head.
“Progressive glasses are the number one reason seniors fall. They are looking through the reading part of
their glasses when they walk, and can’t see the ground properly.”
Seniors?
I’ve still got my baby fat.
“Get some distance-only glasses,” he advised.
So I did.
Another 350 bucks later, I have a third pair of glasses to carry around in
my purse.
Which means my purse isn’t big enough.
So I need to buy a new purse.
And that’s why book tours are so expensive.
Melodie Campbell bio:
The Goddaughter!
Gina Gallo would like nothing better than to run her little
jewelry shop. Unfortunately, she is also “the Goddaughter,” and as she tells
her new guy Pete, “you don’t get to choose your relatives”.
When her cousin Tony is shot by rival mobsters, Gina is reluctantly recruited to
carry the hot gems he was carrying back to Buffalo. Then the worst happens:
they get stolen. Pete and Gina have no
choice but to steal them back, even though philandering politicians, shoe
fetishists, and a trio of inept goons stand in their way.
It’s all in a day’s work, when you’re the Goddaughter.
Having fallen myself a week ago I could really relate to the inane comments people make and the retorts that pop into one's head. Are you all right? Of course you aren't or you wouldn't be lying on the sidewalk bleeding. My fall resulted in an ambulance ride, X-rays for very sore ribs, and 6 stitches. Yes, I had a bloody knee and swollen hand--no one cared about them. Hope you're doing better--my trip (two meanings) had nothing to do with a book tour, but the end of a vacation.
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