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Monday, June 15, 2015

Why Book Tours are Expensive (More Comedy on the Road)




By Melodie Campbell

I’ve recently been on a book tour for my latest crime comedy, The Goddaughter’s Revenge (winner of the 2014 Derringer and 2014 Arthur Ellis Award. There.  Got it in.  My publisher can relax now.)

Book tours are expensive.  You travel around to independent book stores and you sell some books and sign them.  It’s fun.  You meet a lot of great people.  But it’s expensive.  And I’m not talking about the hotel bill and the bar tab.

I should have just stayed in the bar. It was leaving the bar that become expensive.

Nice night.  We decided to go for a walk.  It was dark, but I had on my brand new expensive progressive eye-glasses, so not a problem, right?

One second I was walking and talking.  The next, I was flying through the air.
Someone screamed. 

WHOMP.  (That was me, doing a face plant.)

“OHMYGOD! Are you okay?”  said my colleague.

I was clearly not okay.  In fact, I was splat on the sidewalk and could not move. 

“Fine!” I yelled into the flagstone.  “I’m Fine!”

I tried to lift my head.  Ouch.

“That must have hurt,” said someone helpfully.

I write about a mob Goddaughter. So I know a bit about mob take-outs.  It may come in handy.

A crowd had gathered.  Not the sort of crowd that gently lifts you off the ground.  More the sort of crowd that gawks.

“Couldn’t figure out why you were running ahead of us.” My colleague shook his head.

I wasn’t running.  I was tripping and falling.

“That sidewalk is uneven.  Your foot must have caught on it.”

No shit, Sherlock.

By now I had tested various body parts.  Knees were numb.  Hands, scraped.  Chin, a little sore. 
But here’s the thing.  I hit in this order: knees, tummy, boobs, palms.  My tummy and boobs cushioned the fall and saved my face.  

 Yes, this was going through my mind as I pushed back with my tender palms to balance on my bloody knees.

“Ouch!”  I said.  No, that’s a lie.  I said something else.

I stood up.  Surveyed the damage.  My knees were a bloody mess, but the dress survived without a scratch.  It was made in China, of course.  Of plastic.

The crowd was dispersing.  But the pain wasn’t over.

Next day, I hobbled to the clinic.  The doctor, who probably isn’t old enough to drive a car, shook his head.  “Progressive glasses are the number one reason seniors fall.  They are looking through the reading part of their glasses when they walk, and can’t see the ground properly.”

Seniors?  I’ve still got my baby fat.

“Get some distance-only glasses,” he advised.

So I did.  Another 350 bucks later, I have a third pair of glasses to carry around in my purse.

Which means my purse isn’t big enough.

So I need to buy a new purse.

And that’s why book tours are so expensive.



Melodie Campbell bio: 

The Toronto Sun called her Canada's "Queen of Comedy."  Library Journal compared her to Janet Evanovich.  Melodie Campbell got her start writing standup.  She has won nine awards for fiction, including the 2014 Derringer and the 2014 Arthur Ellis (Canada) for The Goddaughter’s Revenge.  If you enjoyed the humor in this blog, you will like The Goddaughter series.  www.melodiecampbell.com



The Goddaughter!

Gina Gallo would like nothing better than to run her little jewelry shop. Unfortunately, she is also “the Goddaughter,” and as she tells her new guy Pete, “you don’t get to choose your relatives”. 
When her cousin Tony is shot by rival mobsters, Gina is reluctantly recruited to carry the hot gems he was carrying back to Buffalo. Then the worst happens: they get stolen.  Pete and Gina have no choice but to steal them back, even though philandering politicians, shoe fetishists, and a trio of inept goons stand in their way.  
It’s all in a day’s work, when you’re the Goddaughter.


1 comment:

  1. Having fallen myself a week ago I could really relate to the inane comments people make and the retorts that pop into one's head. Are you all right? Of course you aren't or you wouldn't be lying on the sidewalk bleeding. My fall resulted in an ambulance ride, X-rays for very sore ribs, and 6 stitches. Yes, I had a bloody knee and swollen hand--no one cared about them. Hope you're doing better--my trip (two meanings) had nothing to do with a book tour, but the end of a vacation.

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